Yesterday would have been Corby's 24th birthday...I'd like to share a poem that was given to us by Jeremy Sutton that seems to describe Corby really well.

Corbin

Cordovan and corduroy wild at heart, and all boy,
Beastie fades, maverick shades,
Caedmon's strumming, and crazy YYZ drumming
You could spin the stars, at the flick of your wrist,
And awe the crowds, with your magical sticks.
A percussion idol, you will always be,
A guru, a mentor, my hero you see.
You made people laugh with wit and charm,
You were a listening friend, in you was no harm.
Your face and your laugh we'll always remember,
Your light, your faith, your grace and good temper.
Cordovan and corduroy wild at heart, and all boy.
Weekend skate, jam sessions late,
Profound songs writing, heroic Jedi moonlighting.
You loved bright sunsets, and Fighters named Foo,
You cherished your family, protected your brothers too.
You loved your God, and you loved God's Son,
You were faithful and true, you included everyone.
Cordovan and corduroy wild at heart, and all boy.
Life bit you with fangs, and ripped your wings away,
Yet, this was not your land, your home still far away.
A prodigal son, just like any other man,
You tripped and you bruised, then got up again and again.
Then you fell to your knees and pleaded your case,
To a Father who already knew you,
and had forgiven the trials of your race.
And now you're free, your chains have been broken
Now you're free, no more pain good Corbin.

For Kristopher Corbin Caviness
by Jeremy Sutton

Cameron's gone to camp...I can't talk to him for a month.  This is going to be hard.  I hope God is doing a mighty work in his heart, showing even more of Himself to Cam.

Does anyone ever long for the way things are supposed to be?  I have this insatiable desire to want all the stuff (the world, sin, my insecurities and unbelief) to get out of the way so I can really just bask in the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father, nothing coming between us.  I look around this world and as beautiful as it is sometimes it is but a shadow of the way things are going to be someday...and I can hardly wait.  I want my family to be whole again.

I know things are changing...Cam is going off to college and we'll have just the three of us at home - Kelly, Christian and me.  I just really do pray that God sends His Son to bring us all home soon.  I get tired of all the evil in the world, seeing it around me, and wanting everyone I know to see and experience the reality of God's love in their own life.  I don't know how they get through the day without it.

I want to thank everyone for the last year - from praying for our family to being there physically.  It seems like a year anniversary should be the time to put it all behind and try to move on.  I want to...I don't want to just dwell on how God has brought me through this last year and not look for Him in the present and future.  I see and read how other lives have or have not changed in the last year since Corby's death; and sometimes it brings comfort and other times it brings much sorrow.  To tell you the truth, I don't know how to respond to someone who is living the same self-defeating life they were living on April 26, 2005.  That the death of someone they held dear did not have a wake-up call to change their life, making the same choices that can bring so much despair to not only that individual but those around them.

I cannot argue or debate my faith.  You can't...in the worldly view it isn't a logical thing to step out and trust Someone you can't see with your whole life.  In the world's view of things you have to be in control of your own life.  If you are reading this and that is how you think, may I ask - how's it going?  When all that you have left to hold on to when life turns upside down is yourself... is it comforting?  Do you have a joy inside you that surpasses the times of great sorrow?  Do you have hope?

I am full of sorrow - and full of eternal joy, knowing that my hope in Christ is not wishful thinking, but REAL.  The stepping out in faith to believe in Jesus as your Savior and living your life for Him does that to someone.  My family will not be all together again until Jesus comes back...and my heart longs for that.

I want to make something clear...Corby did not want to end his life.  But he did...due to an impaired mind from no sleep and alcohol.  It was suicide...but not planned.  He was struggling through some things, but was beginning to see things clearly.  He had just moved into his house where he could play the drums whenever he wanted...he was planning to landscape the backyard and install a stone patio and firepit...he was laughing and joking around with his dad and Antonio earlier in the afternoon.  We found his latest to-do list (among so many - a habit picked up by me...) in his bag that was written a few days before he died.  Listed below are some of  things on his to-do list:

1.   Check out sound in truck on Monday

2.   Take inventory on Saturday

***3.   Set tee times on Wednesday for Saturday morning w/Dad

4.   Start tennis with your new raquet

5.   FIND YOUR PASSION

Does that sound like someone who is planning on ending his life?  But in an impaired moment, he did, and I can't believe that his friends continue to get drunk or do other things knowing what can happen with an impaired mindset.  Corby never would have done this with a clear mind.

That makes it hard.  Our family will never be the same...in some ways bad and in some ways good.  I believe we have seen God in a way that you don't see Him in every day life, because you get too busy.  And then we sit around and wish Corb could be with us and experience the joy of our family being whole.

When this Thursday the 27th comes, take a moment to reflect on this past year.  Ask yourself if you are closer to Jesus or not...and if not...why?  Don't waste the hard times that come in life, because they will come...take them as an opportunity to have God reveal Himself to you, and grow you closer to Him.